17 Things You Will Experience During NFL Divisional Playoff Weekend

1. Multiple shots of Denver Broncos VP John Elway watching the game from his luxury box after every play involving QB Tim Tebow. (Yes, this is how the last post started…)

2. Multiple replays of Tebow throwing his 80-yard touchdown pass to Demaryius Thomas on the first play of overtime to defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers in last weekend’s wild Wild Card game.  You already can see this play in your sleep so opportunities will be plentiful for bathroom breaks, beverage refills, building sandwiches, etc.

3. NO other Broncos will be mentioned the entire weekend.

4. All network pre-game shows discussing the New England Patriots hiring assistant Josh McDaniels the week the team is playing Denver – in the NFL playoffs no less. Josh used to be the HC of the Broncos…the very guy who drafted Tebow.  Patriots’ HC Bill Belichick will be accused of taking advantage of the league inexplicably not freezing coaching rosters as they freeze player rosters.  Bill will be referred to as “the hoodie” during these segments.  At least one network graphics department will put a Darth Vader helmet on him.

5. Speaking of rematches…mucho “expert” analysis of the Patriots defeating Denver 41-23 earlier, as well as the Baltimore Ravens’ 29-14 triumph over the Houston Texans and the Green Bay Packers’ 38-35 win against the New York Giants.  When the “experts” are given four NFL playoff games to work and three of them are rematches from earlier in the season it makes life much, much easier for “experts.”  Instead of using Madden 2012 to show tendencies and predict plays they can just use actual footage…although we all know they normally play out the games on Madden 2012 first before deciding what to say.

6. Every breath uttered regarding the Texans will include the words, “the franchise won its first-ever playoff game last weekend at home.”

7. Houston will attempt to win by handing the ball off on every offensive play.  Keep in mind Pacman Jones does not play for the Ravens.  Passing is not an option this week.

8. Fox running multiple ads for this.

9. All network pre-game shows discussing a team not involved in Divisional Playoff Weekend, the Atlanta Falcons.  More specifically, Falcons’ HC Mike Smith, who signed off on QB Matt Ryan walking into the heart of the Giants’ defense on two occasions in their Wild Card game…once with an empty backfield.  Atlanta’s bruising star RB Michael Turner wasn’t even on the field as a decoy when Smith made the call to go for a first down…only down 10-2…in the third quarter…at the New York 21.  Never thought anyone would beat out Cincinnati Bengals’ HC Marvin Lewis for worst Wild Card coach but Smith did…although Marvin did burn his team’s challenges off faster than bread becomes toast.

10. All network pre-game shows discussing another team not involved in Divisional Playoff Weekend, the New York Jets. Many “unnamed sources” are going after QB Mark Sanchez for his talent and work ethic.  As we all know, “unnamed sources” are the hardest of all hitters in the NFL…because you can’t defend yourself against what you can’t see.

11. Multiple references to the New Orleans Saints having to play outside “in the elements.”  It will be noted repeatedly New Orleans has never won a road playoff game…neither has Houston.  (See #6 above)  In fairness, the “in the elements” factor should be mentioned repeatedly for the Texans as well since they often have their roof closed.  The Saints only have their roof open during Category 3 hurricanes.

12. Multiple shots of Ravens’ LB Ray Lewis and Saints’ QB Drew Brees screaming at the top of their lungs with their respective teams huddled around them.  Eventually, the teams will be called upon to scream back at them.

13. Multiple angle replays…in slow-motion…of Giants’ WR Victor Cruz if he scores.  Did somebody say…Salsa?

14. Multiple shots of Tebow warming his throwing arm up pre-game with as few clothes on as possible.  First responders all across the country will continue to treat many women…and some men (not that there’s anything wrong with that)…for fainting spells.

15. Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski will be referred to as Gronk” more than his actual name.  Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez will simply be called “the other tight end.”

16. Multiple shots and angles of San Francisco 49ers’ HC Jim Harbaugh shaking hands every single time he does so.

17. Giants’ HC Tom Coughlin looking unhappy. Really, really unhappy.  Again.  And again.  (And by the end of the weekend, four teams will look really, really unhappy)

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23 Responses to 17 Things You Will Experience During NFL Divisional Playoff Weekend

  1. Lowdogg says:

    This sounds pretty prophetic.

  2. Thanks, Joe. Should be great theatre as always.

  3. Troy Beckman says:

    And just when I was getting excited to watch it all on TV this weekend…BOOM! Reality check. Good prognostications…this is why the mute button was invented.

  4. tophatal says:

    sports’

    “Tebowing for Jesus” has seriously now become a pass-time in Central Florida . And as an avid Pats’ fan I must say that I find this disturbing !

    On to another sad topic but what’s happening inside of the Raiders’ front office >/a> ? Has Al Davis’ son , Mark Davis been prescribed some experimental drug that has yet to be passed by the FDA ?

    SportsChump and I are discussing the merits of Barry Larkin’s enshrinement into the Baseball Hall of Fame . Do you believe him to be a worthy candidate ? I believe him to be albeit that this year’s list of nominees wasn’t that outstanding !

    tophatal ……..

    • I believe Larkin was a worthy candidate indeed. No problem with him getting in since the Hall may not be able to bring itself to let anyone else in for awhile now. The ‘Roids Era has already ramped up with a guy like Jeff Bagwell, who can’t get in simply because people THINK he used…imagine what the others will face. Mark McGwire will have plenty of company. Only Veterans need apply for now!

      • tophatal says:

        sports’

        For some crazy reason McGwire obtained a vote on the balloting this season . But then I remember common sense and the BBWAA are not intertwined .

        tophatal ………..

  5. chappy81 says:

    Man, on my Madden game the Raiders are still in the playoffs and McFadden is healthy, I wonder if any of the analysts will pick them to win!?!

    Who’s this Tebow guy you keep mentioning?

    • There were a few versions of Madden released in the Bay Area that allegedly were tampered with, giving the Raiders a huge advantage. I believe it was a splinter, techy rogue organization called “In Al We Trust” that hijacked the games and inserted WINNING code for the Silver & Black. Tebow…imagine if he wins again this week?

  6. Is it too late to copyright the term “Tebow-gasm?”

  7. JW says:

    Over/Under on how many times either Joe Buck or Phil Simms say something so stupid it literally makes your brain swell.

    • Oooooh. That’s a good one. Initially, Vegas told me they wouldn’t set a line because they get more cliche with every passing moment. However, I think I have now negotiated an over/under of 58 (combined) they’ll take a bet on.

  8. 17…oh man my head started spinning at 12. :-) Good call on Fox plugging a show which no one knows anything about…probably because it sucks.

  9. tophatal says:

    sports’

    If at all interested let me know what you think ? Simply click unto the links shown to view .

    It’s my take on Tebow who’ll be facing off against Josh McDaniels as the latter as how rejoined the Pats’ coaching staff. ubgd thiw rthe els nan

    He’ll Be Damned If He Does And Damned If He Doesn’t …. !

    And also here’s my thoughts on Larkin’s induction in the Hall of Fame as well as the late estate of Roy Disney seeking to make a bid for the Los Angeles Dodgers . If successful does that mean there’ll deep discounted tickets for future attendees to the Dodgers’ games ? Also there’s talk that there’ll be meet and greets for fans to meet famous Disney animated characters .

    The Ecstasy , The Pride , The Agony And The Madness !

    tophatal ………..

  10. tophatal says:

    sports’

    The apparent reason allegedly behind the dissension within the Jets’ organization ? Too much of Sanchez wantin’ to go “Hollywood” or the mere fact that Rex Ryan hasn’t got a clue this season ?

    tophatal ……..

    • Tophatal, I think Rex really needs to pull the reins in on everyone on his team. That cast of characters can get outta hand real fast…and contractually a lot of them aren’t going anywhere so they better all learn how to play nice with one another…if in fact the unnamed “sources” are indeed real and we can believe there is trouble on their side of Snoopy Stadium.

      • tophatal says:

        Unnamed sources like Sanchez’s teammates ? Well to me the most telling statement came from LT who likened it to a playground filled with immature children . That team had no leadership whatsoever throughout their putrid season . McElroy wasn’t lying when he said that the locker room was filled with narcissists . The “beat writers ” in NYC are as dumb and naive as a box of rocks !

        tophatal …..

  11. Great post…. I wonder how many times the Salem witchcraft being used to “give Tom Brady a boost” will be mentioned prior to the NE/Den game?

  12. Nice predictions. If Tebow wins this week…

    • Tebow-Mania has run its course…right? Unless of course…someone signs him up as an analyst for their title games’ coverage. Maybe NBC will bring him on board for the Super Bowl…with a little clock in the corner counting down until the time we see him chat about the two teams’ chances.

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