1. Multiple shots of Denver Broncos VP John Elway watching the game from his luxury box after every play involving QB Tim Tebow. (Yes, this is how the last post started…)
2. Multiple replays of Tebow throwing his 80-yard touchdown pass to Demaryius Thomas on the first play of overtime to defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers in last weekend’s wild Wild Card game. You already can see this play in your sleep so opportunities will be plentiful for bathroom breaks, beverage refills, building sandwiches, etc.
3. NO other Broncos will be mentioned the entire weekend.
4. All network pre-game shows discussing the New England Patriots hiring assistant Josh McDaniels the week the team is playing Denver – in the NFL playoffs no less. Josh used to be the HC of the Broncos…the very guy who drafted Tebow. Patriots’ HC Bill Belichick will be accused of taking advantage of the league inexplicably not freezing coaching rosters as they freeze player rosters. Bill will be referred to as “the hoodie” during these segments. At least one network graphics department will put a Darth Vader helmet on him.
5. Speaking of rematches…mucho “expert” analysis of the Patriots defeating Denver 41-23 earlier, as well as the Baltimore Ravens’ 29-14 triumph over the Houston Texans and the Green Bay Packers’ 38-35 win against the New York Giants. When the “experts” are given four NFL playoff games to work and three of them are rematches from earlier in the season it makes life much, much easier for “experts.” Instead of using Madden 2012 to show tendencies and predict plays they can just use actual footage…although we all know they normally play out the games on Madden 2012 first before deciding what to say.
6. Every breath uttered regarding the Texans will include the words, “the franchise won its first-ever playoff game last weekend at home.”
7. Houston will attempt to win by handing the ball off on every offensive play. Keep in mind Pacman Jones does not play for the Ravens. Passing is not an option this week.
8. Fox running multiple ads for this.
9. All network pre-game shows discussing a team not involved in Divisional Playoff Weekend, the Atlanta Falcons. More specifically, Falcons’ HC Mike Smith, who signed off on QB Matt Ryan walking into the heart of the Giants’ defense on two occasions in their Wild Card game…once with an empty backfield. Atlanta’s bruising star RB Michael Turner wasn’t even on the field as a decoy when Smith made the call to go for a first down…only down 10-2…in the third quarter…at the New York 21. Never thought anyone would beat out Cincinnati Bengals’ HC Marvin Lewis for worst Wild Card coach but Smith did…although Marvin did burn his team’s challenges off faster than bread becomes toast.
10. All network pre-game shows discussing another team not involved in Divisional Playoff Weekend, the New York Jets. Many “unnamed sources” are going after QB Mark Sanchez for his talent and work ethic. As we all know, “unnamed sources” are the hardest of all hitters in the NFL…because you can’t defend yourself against what you can’t see.
11. Multiple references to the New Orleans Saints having to play outside “in the elements.” It will be noted repeatedly New Orleans has never won a road playoff game…neither has Houston. (See #6 above) In fairness, the “in the elements” factor should be mentioned repeatedly for the Texans as well since they often have their roof closed. The Saints only have their roof open during Category 3 hurricanes.
12. Multiple shots of Ravens’ LB Ray Lewis and Saints’ QB Drew Brees screaming at the top of their lungs with their respective teams huddled around them. Eventually, the teams will be called upon to scream back at them.
13. Multiple angle replays…in slow-motion…of Giants’ WR Victor Cruz if he scores. Did somebody say…Salsa?
14. Multiple shots of Tebow warming his throwing arm up pre-game with as few clothes on as possible. First responders all across the country will continue to treat many women…and some men (not that there’s anything wrong with that)…for fainting spells.
15. Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski will be referred to as “Gronk” more than his actual name. Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez will simply be called “the other tight end.”
16. Multiple shots and angles of San Francisco 49ers’ HC Jim Harbaugh shaking hands every single time he does so.
17. Giants’ HC Tom Coughlin looking unhappy. Really, really unhappy. Again. And again. (And by the end of the weekend, four teams will look really, really unhappy)