Super Bowl XLVIII – The Tale Of The Tape

With a tip of the helmet to Nick Bakay, a super-talented, multi-media humorist who made the following “Tale Of The Tape” format into a mini-career all its own…here’s how this year’s Super Bowl scientifically stacks up:

Things residents consume regularly:
Denver: Rocky Mountain Oysters
Seattle: Venti Frappuccinos
Advantage: Seattle. Rocky Mountain Oysters are bull testicles for God’s sake.  Rather be wired than “ballsy.”

Most breathtaking thing seen:
Denver: Rocky Mountains
Seattle: Space Needle
Advantage: Denver. Needle made by man. Mountains made by God.

Most unusual thing seen:
Denver: Temperature dropping forty degrees in an hour
Seattle: Salmon flying forty feet through a fish market
Advantage: Denver. Put a coat on and you’re all set. Takes a tad longer to prepare the salmon and set the table.

City nicknames:
Denver: Mile High City
Seattle: Emerald City
Advantage: Push. Pretty much the same if living at elevation or in the Land of Oz. Both states legalized pot recently and are definitely looking “higher” in profile.

Mental/Physical health status of head coaches:
Denver: John Fox’s heart had blockages removed
Seattle: Pete Carroll’s career had victories removed
Advantage: Seattle. Pete’s still a ball of energy even after being stripped of USC’s BCS a while ago. John’s signature acronym could have been DOA just a couple of months ago.

Team mascot ferocity:
Denver: A Horse
Seattle: A Hawk
Advantage: Seattle. Being slowly pecked to death is much more unappealing than being trampled to death.

Role models:
Denver: Peyton Manning
Seattle: Richard Sherman
Advantage: Denver. Sherman has the better hair; Manning has the better arm.

Annual sunshine:
Denver: Average 300 days
Seattle: Average 84 days
Advantage: Denver. Always walk towards the light people.

So there you have it. It’s simple when you break things down scientifically. Denver will win the Super Bowl. The numbers never lie.

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6 Responses to Super Bowl XLVIII – The Tale Of The Tape

  1. Longworth72 says:

    Finally! Some real analysis that draws a line between these 2 teams. Was leaning towards Denver, and the bull’s testicles did induce some doubt, but the days of sunshine breakdown has clinched it for me – Those Denver boys will be getting a proper load of Vitamin D, which sounds like a good thing.

    Also, I don’t like Grey’s Anatomy. Do like Community.

  2. Rumors that Kellen Winslow Jr will be making a personal appearance at Met Life Stadium as the official spokesman for Vaseline Intensive Care “touting” the product’s many uses , are circulating around the league and East Rutherford , New Jersey . Perhaps his exposure will be more than this past regular season with the Jets and his productivity overall in 2013 ?

    I’m sorry but the Jets’ tight-end was allegedly caught whacking one out (masturbating) for the team , while seated in his $75,000 Escalade . In a statement provided to the press , he first stated that he was lost and in search of a local Boston Market eaterie ? Did Winslow not realize that the vehicle comes with GPS ? A mind and a Canes’ education in this case , is not actually terrible thing to waste at all , is it ? .

    This is not the type of weather that I envisaged the Superbowl would be played in ! I am from the UK for God’s sake and I have been through some bitter Winter spells as a civilian and member of the military (10 years’ service).

    Bitterly cold .

    tophatal …………

    • Remember the year they had the Super Bowl in Atlanta not so long ago Al? They had an ice storm that week and it made everyone covering and partying at it insane. Would have been interesting had they had it there a couple of days ago huh? indeed, there are only a handful of spots that should even be considered for a Super Bowl. Always play it outdoors and even though you are taking chances on the elements even in “nice” locales, bet those odds anyway.

  3. SportsChump says:

    You had me at balls.

    Or should I say “lamb fries?”

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